(Un)muted frustration

    It’s been a while since I last blogged. And I guess I should, or rather could, start by explaining why.

    I’ve been hit, square in the face, by a brick wall of complete and utter apathy. Of late I am, quite possibly, the single most boring person, emotionally speaking, on the face of the planet. At the moment I can’t help but feeling, well, grey.

I have no idea what to say. I don’t have any particularly momentous thoughts at the moment, no emotions are tugging heartstrings, nothing is peeving me off to the extent that I feel I have to denounce it openly in writing. In fact, if anything less was happening in my head then I’m pretty sure I could be classed as brain-dead. The emotions I do stumble across in my penumbrally wandering state are often mere pebbles at the roadside. Whereas usually I’d encounter great potholes and hurdles across my path.

    So, taking an objective view of all of this. Essentially, I seem to be more apathetic and more detached. Well, that’s great? Surely that means that I don’t have reason to complain or grumble, criticise or attempt to make sense of anything. Maybe, just for once, I can shut the fuck up. Well, no. Because I’m trapped in a cloud of grey and I’m used to the LSD-like colours and surroundings of an almost psychotic and mesmeric parallel world. So, sorry, but grey is boring my pissing socks off! And not only that, grey has meaning to me. Usually this greyness is the sign of things to come, or things passed. But now this is my past, present and future. I’m drowning, and the longer this goes on the deeper the water gets. I can feel myself sinking away from the reality that was previously so damn perfect. And so now I feel myself feeling bitter, cheated. And I enjoy that because it’s emotion! Sod what type of emotion it is, I’m feeling it so i’m enjoying it. But now I’ve revelled in it the bitterness has gone and I’m back in the penumbral cloud of grey. I’m using grey a lot. I don’t dislike the colour grey itself. I just chose it to describe this state. I’d say it was beige? But I quite like beige too. Black? Love black. Pink? too happy. See, not only am I apathetic but I’m indecisive and plain stupid too.

I can’t imagine how utterly fucked up this will sound to read. And to be fair, I don’t care. Well, it’s not that I don’t care, I just, don’t understand? ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

FKJLASDJLLGJASHAH!!

I HATE THIS

ABSOLUTELY EVERY FUCKING MOMENT OF IT

I CAN’T DO IT

    And, I don’t expect anyone to understand because I don’t even understand it. I just feel like I’m no longer living my life, but watching it being lived. I feel like a spectator of myself. I’m frustrated, angry, upset, confused, bewildered and bitter. And I hate it, but none of these emotions are half of what I’m used to. And I know I sound melodramatic, attention-seeking and pretty much outright mental but I just need to feel something.

    To those of you who know me, I’m sorry if this makes you feel awkward around me but I just had to get it off my chest. To the two, who know who they are, I love you both very much and always will do. And I’m sorry if of late I’m detached, moody and downright bastard-like. And to those of you who don’t know me. Well, consider yourselves lucky I guess.

    I probably shouldn’t have written this. And will no doubt delete it at a later date. But for the moment it will stay. As, it seems, will my cloud. However, I do have a sliver lining. And I’ve mentioned them previously. Thank you. I’m sorry.

P.S – I’m also extremely sorry for my language in this post. It’s not big, and it’s not clever – but it does serve as some elementary form of primitive release.

A break from the

I had an urge to write something on here but have no idea what. Normally I like to have a rough idea of what I’m going to write so then I can plan a layout-of-sorts for whatever it is I’m trying to say. But for once I’m just writing – scary!

Well, actually it’s not. Normally I’d be all “argh, need to make it sound just right” but being as I have no point to put across it doesn’t really matter. I was talking to a friend about this blog a few days ago and I said that it was just random thoughts. And she made me see that really it’s not. It’s filtered thoughts dressed in some sort of structure with (at times) some form of direction. So perhaps once in a while I should throw caution to the wind! That’s right, I’m trying some genuine spontaneity.

Yes, that sounds pathetic – my idea of spontaneous is not planning a piece of writing but I really am that much of a control freak! On Thursday I went to Doncaster for the first time ever, it’s only an hour away by car and the people I went with had been there millions of times before. But my god did I panic about it! I looked up all train times there and back for the entire day, and even for the early hours of the last morning, I checked buses incase the trains died, I made a list of people I knew in the area incase things went wrong. Essentially I had to have all eventualities covered, which is one of my biggest problems. I spend so much time worrying that sometimes I lose track and forget to enjoy the moment. However, things are looking up on that front.

I’m in quite a good mood and I’m really ready to change myself. I’ve decided that I’m to become more spontaneous (but not reckless) and I’m to worry less (don’t quite know how yet.) And I’m going to lose weight and take up spanish again. They (you know they, those people that know everything – maybe one day I’ll become part of they, but then how would I refer to everyone else?) say that a change is as good as a rest. Well, I’ve had a rest with the holidays and it was good, so a change should be equally pleasing.

Ok, I’m drifting into a form of structure so now in a desperate attempt to not be as conformist I’m going to change the subject totally!

I really really dislike F keys! I had this conversation recently too. I just hate them, you press them and they ruin your laptop! And they’re cocky too! They sit there all smug, high and mighty above the other keys, thinking that they’re something special. Well let me tell you something now F1 – a)You’re nothing but a type of car racing! b)If I want help, I’ll ask a real person!!! What does F stand for? (actually checking now) Function – F stands for function. But, my laptop has an FN key – a function key. Ok, I see what’s going on here.

How many F(number) keys are there? 12! How many disciples did jesus have? 12! The Fnumber keys are disciples – they’re not anything special – they don’t know it all and they often get things wrong. Sometimes (Judas) they do naughty things when pressed (F12 which destroys your web browser) yet sometimes they can be helpful in combination with other things (John the baptist and water – alt+F4.) And what the designer of this laptop has seen is that they could be so much better if only they had something to aspire to. The Jesus (FN) key. You see, when I press FN and an Fnumber key things happen which match the little pictures on the keys. FN+F6=lower brightness, FN+F7 = increased brightness. With a little bit of jesus the disciples are a lot more useful and easy to understand. I don’t really know what my point is, but I just thought that I could highlight the biblical parallels.

Ok, time for another shift I think. Oh, firstly let me point out that I don’t mean to be sacreligious, blasphemous or disrespectful (dis-sacrephemous if you will,) I merely try to pour my thoughts through my keyboard onto the screen. I aim not to bring about the fall of faiths or give birth to satanist cults, just to type. Please don’t hate me.

I think that my cat feels slightly neglected at the moment. She’s quite quiet and not as bouncy as normal. Recently the house has felt quite tense and I’m sure that she’s picked up on it. She now sleeps a lot of the day and rolls around on the landing at night. Occasionally she’ll knock on (by which I mean claw at) my bedroom door and then I’ll let her pop in for a chat (actually she just jumps into any drawers which I left open, curls into a ball and looks at me with the “you try and move me and I’ll knife you” face.) Whereas before she’d have just head-butted me for half an hour, got bored and gone outside to try and catch hope – the bat that lives in our garden. I’ve tried talking to her about all this, she’s not as responsive as she used to be. Perhaps it’s a time thing.

I don’t know whether or not I want to go back to college on Wednesday. I have a strange feeling that things are going to be awkward with certain people and to be honest I’d rather run away from it all and bask in the happiness which I have recently found. I, by the way, am going to see Tegan and Sara!!

I still have homework to do, I shall do it after my exams on Monday. Last minute as always, it hasn’t failed me for the past 6 years. Bad habit, must try to break it. But when I do homework well in advance there’s just so sense of achievement when you hand it in because you’ve forgotten all about it. Ah well, c’est la vie.

Oh, and I saw someone yesterday who I hadn’t seen for over a year and a half. He used to be the head teacher at my school. It was so strange seeing him again. I’d seen him in civves before of course, but this was different. I guess when he was at school he always had a very authoritarian, strict yet highly respectable aura about him. Yet yesterday he was just an ordinary bloke looking for a present for his wife in HMV. It kind of reminded me that things have moved on a lot recently, and things have changed.

CHANGE! Now that word has been cropping up a lot recently, but I think I’m coming to embrace it. I tend to live in the future, planning, or the past, analysing what could have been etc. But recently I find myself living slightly more for the moment. Not necessarily IN the moment (yet) and I think this change is a good thing. And it’s one (as I think I’ve already said) that I intend to keep up.

It rained today, it hasn’t rained since my pootle around town a week or two ago. Strangely when I saw it was raining my first thought was “oh, I don’t think anything about it.” Normally I’d think “oh, rain. Crap.” or “Oh, rain, I think I’ll go for a walk.” But today, nothing, total indifference. I did go for a walk in the end though. It was very cold, which I quite enjoyed.

Well, I guess I shall wrap this up. Wow, 1286 words of total nothingness. And normally now I’d think of a picture or photo to put with my entry. Well, I’m still going to do that because I like finding random pictures. I shall try something that is cheery and yet modern, sort of happy but ready to embrace the new so-to-speak. And pink! Because I rarely even ever think about pink.

Found it, and as ever I shall put it at the start of the entry. I wonder, did it feel strange reading me think about what to put up because you saw it before-hand. It’s kind of like you knew what I was thinking before I did. And I don’t quite feel at ease addressing people in the future like this, lol. I feel like I’m writing a will. Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever used lol in my blog yet. And now I’ve used it twice, fneh.

Anyhoo, I shall go and do something equally as unproductive now.

Bis Bald.