And the list goes on…

List (noun): a series of names or other items written or printed together in a meaningful grouping or sequence so as to constitute a record.

Perhaps it is the OCD within me, but I love lists. Lists are the very basis of my everyday life. Whether they be written or mental, my daily routine would not function without them;

1. Get up
2. Shower
3. Breakfast
4. Brush teeth & hair
5. Get dressed
6. Pack bag
7. Check E-mails
8. Leave house

Voilà! My weekday morning in clear, concise and memorable form. That’s the routine, that’s what I stick to. No room for deviation, no room for hidden surprises. If something desperate crops up then it can be inserted where appropriate but other than in emergencies this list is to be obeyed at all times.

I’m the sort of person that (despite my views on infinite looping lives) thrives upon routine. I find my way of doing things and I stick to it. I stay within my loop because I know that I’m safe within it. Yes, occasionally I’ll breach the loop – but only if I’ve considered every eventuality and have planned for all outcomes. Whether it be conversations, movements or actions I’ll consider and provisionally plan them all. Therefore my (at times) apparent spontaneity is in fact only calculated, risk assessed and deliberated (delayed) impulsiveness.

I plan meticulously for all eventualities, I live in the future, and dwell on the past. The present is just something to think about tomorrow. Tomorrow needs to be planned for today! So, understandably I sometimes lose focus and all sense of reality. In which cases, karma (or life) tends to bring me back down to earth with a suitably heavy bump.

Yet when I don’t plan for something, am not in control or don’t know the itinerary I find it hard to revel in the moment, because my thoughts are always dominated by the near future and past. I dwell not on what it being said in the moment, but the conversation 20 minutes ago. I therefore seem socially and conversationally retarded, or just quiet.

Cliché tag line number two; “Live life in the moment”

I genuinely envy those who can truly do this, though I find it hard to believe that any body can. Fair enough, at times I become caught in a moment and for that time my attention is far less spread than normal – but could I envisage living like this all of the time? I don’t think so. Even as a child I would plan ahead – conversations normally – and eventually I became able to predict accurately peoples’ responses. Starting high school I used this mainly to get out of not handing in homework. Then it turned to making friends, a process which is considerably harder than planning excuses and mitigating ones failures.

Which leads me to believe that living in the moment is a tongue-rolling quality. You either can, or you can’t. I can’t (but I can roll my tongue ) Whether it’s something you can learn to do or not I couldn’t even speculate, but it’s possible. Perhaps I should try some genuine spontaneity once in a while.

So now I shall go and ponder tomorrow’s entry. Strange, just had déjà vu. Now that’s definately a subject for a later post.

Couldn’t leave that as an ending, sounded far too planned, not that this isn’t!

The grass is always greener on the other side

Many would argue that one of the defining sociological differences between humans and any other species is the human ability to desire and implement constant improvement. It can be argued that this desire for productive evolution of our habitats and selves has resulted in our being as we know it. As a species, we strive to improve – to improve our lives, our surroundings and, to improve ourselves. We rarely settle for what we have – we search, constantly, for more. Perhaps it is now part of the human psyche that if we do not constantly augment ourselves then we will stagnate. If we never try to make things better then we will succumb to the infinite loop of human apathy.

Now, the human attitude to improvement is a subject far too vast for one page. So I shall (simply because I feel it is relatively topical to myself) concentrate, for the time being, on self-improvement. I’m quite a socially dependent person, so what people think of me matters a lot. Yet I hide this behind a facade of bravado and humour, I take the “I don’t care what people think” approach to life, hoping that if I say it enough eventually I’ll believe it. To a certain degree it works. But because of the type of person I am I often doubt myself and so turn to anywhere or anybody who offers any sort of sanctuary. Welcome, everybody, to the world of self improvement.

” Don’t like the way you act around people? Dislike the amount of time you spend wasting away on your sofa? Then get up and do something about it! Everybody dog is here to help you. All you need to do is follow a few simple thought plans.” Hoorah! I think not.

The startling majority of self improvement programme tag lines involve some form of connotation of the phrase “Becoming a better version of yourself.” But in my opinion this is almost entirely unattainable. Every now and again I’ll resovle to do something amazing and change the way I am. I strive to become a “better version” of myself, but unfortunately some of us are simply incapable of recognising our strengths. Whether this be due to pessimism, lack of confidence or pure stupidity it often ends in the situation I find myself in. Because I have so very many (self-perceived) faults it is impossible for me to rectify them all and still remain the same person. Alas, much as I hate them, many of my faults also happen to be defining aspects of my character. Whether it be my temperamental moods, my shoddy appearance or my inability to maintain cheerful conversation, or whether it be smaller things like over-analysing conversations, or meticulously planning my entire life – all of these thing, much as I hate them, if all were removed would leave me no longer the person I am. This means that my eventual destiny on the road of self improvement to become a totally different person to the one who took the first step. I will therefore not have improved myself, but reinvented myself as somebody/something totally different. Less of a phoenix reborn from its own ashes, but more of zebra who has rubbed off his stripes and taken up show jumping. I am therefore the ass of the human race.

We cannot ever truly improve ourselves, because improving ourselves to the degree we believe we need to would in fact change who we are. Nobody is perfect, yet everybody desires to be so. So what if we find happiness in not being perfect? Can we ever find such peace in a “non-complete” state? I very much hope so! And if not, I shall keep trying to improve myself. If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.