A break from the

I had an urge to write something on here but have no idea what. Normally I like to have a rough idea of what I’m going to write so then I can plan a layout-of-sorts for whatever it is I’m trying to say. But for once I’m just writing – scary!

Well, actually it’s not. Normally I’d be all “argh, need to make it sound just right” but being as I have no point to put across it doesn’t really matter. I was talking to a friend about this blog a few days ago and I said that it was just random thoughts. And she made me see that really it’s not. It’s filtered thoughts dressed in some sort of structure with (at times) some form of direction. So perhaps once in a while I should throw caution to the wind! That’s right, I’m trying some genuine spontaneity.

Yes, that sounds pathetic – my idea of spontaneous is not planning a piece of writing but I really am that much of a control freak! On Thursday I went to Doncaster for the first time ever, it’s only an hour away by car and the people I went with had been there millions of times before. But my god did I panic about it! I looked up all train times there and back for the entire day, and even for the early hours of the last morning, I checked buses incase the trains died, I made a list of people I knew in the area incase things went wrong. Essentially I had to have all eventualities covered, which is one of my biggest problems. I spend so much time worrying that sometimes I lose track and forget to enjoy the moment. However, things are looking up on that front.

I’m in quite a good mood and I’m really ready to change myself. I’ve decided that I’m to become more spontaneous (but not reckless) and I’m to worry less (don’t quite know how yet.) And I’m going to lose weight and take up spanish again. They (you know they, those people that know everything – maybe one day I’ll become part of they, but then how would I refer to everyone else?) say that a change is as good as a rest. Well, I’ve had a rest with the holidays and it was good, so a change should be equally pleasing.

Ok, I’m drifting into a form of structure so now in a desperate attempt to not be as conformist I’m going to change the subject totally!

I really really dislike F keys! I had this conversation recently too. I just hate them, you press them and they ruin your laptop! And they’re cocky too! They sit there all smug, high and mighty above the other keys, thinking that they’re something special. Well let me tell you something now F1 – a)You’re nothing but a type of car racing! b)If I want help, I’ll ask a real person!!! What does F stand for? (actually checking now) Function – F stands for function. But, my laptop has an FN key – a function key. Ok, I see what’s going on here.

How many F(number) keys are there? 12! How many disciples did jesus have? 12! The Fnumber keys are disciples – they’re not anything special – they don’t know it all and they often get things wrong. Sometimes (Judas) they do naughty things when pressed (F12 which destroys your web browser) yet sometimes they can be helpful in combination with other things (John the baptist and water – alt+F4.) And what the designer of this laptop has seen is that they could be so much better if only they had something to aspire to. The Jesus (FN) key. You see, when I press FN and an Fnumber key things happen which match the little pictures on the keys. FN+F6=lower brightness, FN+F7 = increased brightness. With a little bit of jesus the disciples are a lot more useful and easy to understand. I don’t really know what my point is, but I just thought that I could highlight the biblical parallels.

Ok, time for another shift I think. Oh, firstly let me point out that I don’t mean to be sacreligious, blasphemous or disrespectful (dis-sacrephemous if you will,) I merely try to pour my thoughts through my keyboard onto the screen. I aim not to bring about the fall of faiths or give birth to satanist cults, just to type. Please don’t hate me.

I think that my cat feels slightly neglected at the moment. She’s quite quiet and not as bouncy as normal. Recently the house has felt quite tense and I’m sure that she’s picked up on it. She now sleeps a lot of the day and rolls around on the landing at night. Occasionally she’ll knock on (by which I mean claw at) my bedroom door and then I’ll let her pop in for a chat (actually she just jumps into any drawers which I left open, curls into a ball and looks at me with the “you try and move me and I’ll knife you” face.) Whereas before she’d have just head-butted me for half an hour, got bored and gone outside to try and catch hope – the bat that lives in our garden. I’ve tried talking to her about all this, she’s not as responsive as she used to be. Perhaps it’s a time thing.

I don’t know whether or not I want to go back to college on Wednesday. I have a strange feeling that things are going to be awkward with certain people and to be honest I’d rather run away from it all and bask in the happiness which I have recently found. I, by the way, am going to see Tegan and Sara!!

I still have homework to do, I shall do it after my exams on Monday. Last minute as always, it hasn’t failed me for the past 6 years. Bad habit, must try to break it. But when I do homework well in advance there’s just so sense of achievement when you hand it in because you’ve forgotten all about it. Ah well, c’est la vie.

Oh, and I saw someone yesterday who I hadn’t seen for over a year and a half. He used to be the head teacher at my school. It was so strange seeing him again. I’d seen him in civves before of course, but this was different. I guess when he was at school he always had a very authoritarian, strict yet highly respectable aura about him. Yet yesterday he was just an ordinary bloke looking for a present for his wife in HMV. It kind of reminded me that things have moved on a lot recently, and things have changed.

CHANGE! Now that word has been cropping up a lot recently, but I think I’m coming to embrace it. I tend to live in the future, planning, or the past, analysing what could have been etc. But recently I find myself living slightly more for the moment. Not necessarily IN the moment (yet) and I think this change is a good thing. And it’s one (as I think I’ve already said) that I intend to keep up.

It rained today, it hasn’t rained since my pootle around town a week or two ago. Strangely when I saw it was raining my first thought was “oh, I don’t think anything about it.” Normally I’d think “oh, rain. Crap.” or “Oh, rain, I think I’ll go for a walk.” But today, nothing, total indifference. I did go for a walk in the end though. It was very cold, which I quite enjoyed.

Well, I guess I shall wrap this up. Wow, 1286 words of total nothingness. And normally now I’d think of a picture or photo to put with my entry. Well, I’m still going to do that because I like finding random pictures. I shall try something that is cheery and yet modern, sort of happy but ready to embrace the new so-to-speak. And pink! Because I rarely even ever think about pink.

Found it, and as ever I shall put it at the start of the entry. I wonder, did it feel strange reading me think about what to put up because you saw it before-hand. It’s kind of like you knew what I was thinking before I did. And I don’t quite feel at ease addressing people in the future like this, lol. I feel like I’m writing a will. Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever used lol in my blog yet. And now I’ve used it twice, fneh.

Anyhoo, I shall go and do something equally as unproductive now.

Bis Bald.

And the list goes on…

List (noun): a series of names or other items written or printed together in a meaningful grouping or sequence so as to constitute a record.

Perhaps it is the OCD within me, but I love lists. Lists are the very basis of my everyday life. Whether they be written or mental, my daily routine would not function without them;

1. Get up
2. Shower
3. Breakfast
4. Brush teeth & hair
5. Get dressed
6. Pack bag
7. Check E-mails
8. Leave house

Voilà! My weekday morning in clear, concise and memorable form. That’s the routine, that’s what I stick to. No room for deviation, no room for hidden surprises. If something desperate crops up then it can be inserted where appropriate but other than in emergencies this list is to be obeyed at all times.

I’m the sort of person that (despite my views on infinite looping lives) thrives upon routine. I find my way of doing things and I stick to it. I stay within my loop because I know that I’m safe within it. Yes, occasionally I’ll breach the loop – but only if I’ve considered every eventuality and have planned for all outcomes. Whether it be conversations, movements or actions I’ll consider and provisionally plan them all. Therefore my (at times) apparent spontaneity is in fact only calculated, risk assessed and deliberated (delayed) impulsiveness.

I plan meticulously for all eventualities, I live in the future, and dwell on the past. The present is just something to think about tomorrow. Tomorrow needs to be planned for today! So, understandably I sometimes lose focus and all sense of reality. In which cases, karma (or life) tends to bring me back down to earth with a suitably heavy bump.

Yet when I don’t plan for something, am not in control or don’t know the itinerary I find it hard to revel in the moment, because my thoughts are always dominated by the near future and past. I dwell not on what it being said in the moment, but the conversation 20 minutes ago. I therefore seem socially and conversationally retarded, or just quiet.

Cliché tag line number two; “Live life in the moment”

I genuinely envy those who can truly do this, though I find it hard to believe that any body can. Fair enough, at times I become caught in a moment and for that time my attention is far less spread than normal – but could I envisage living like this all of the time? I don’t think so. Even as a child I would plan ahead – conversations normally – and eventually I became able to predict accurately peoples’ responses. Starting high school I used this mainly to get out of not handing in homework. Then it turned to making friends, a process which is considerably harder than planning excuses and mitigating ones failures.

Which leads me to believe that living in the moment is a tongue-rolling quality. You either can, or you can’t. I can’t (but I can roll my tongue ) Whether it’s something you can learn to do or not I couldn’t even speculate, but it’s possible. Perhaps I should try some genuine spontaneity once in a while.

So now I shall go and ponder tomorrow’s entry. Strange, just had déjà vu. Now that’s definately a subject for a later post.

Couldn’t leave that as an ending, sounded far too planned, not that this isn’t!