Perennial exhaustion

It’s that time of year again, I have finally reached the first holiday of the academic year – and not a moment too soon.

This year so far has left me with very little time to contemplate what’s happening. Since september I’ve organised my exams for the next year, abridged and directed a version of A Midsummer Night’s dream, applied to (two so far) university and just about managed to keep up to date with 4 A2 syllabuses. The past 8 weeks have left me longing for sleep, free-time and a clear schedule. Alas, you can’t always get what you want!

So during my free week I have to take my LNAT, the admissions test for Law which all of the top universities in the country demand. I also have to continue reading up for my interviews (if I’m offered any.) I’ve taken quite a liking to nervous shock in negligence and have been reading around it quite a lot recently. If you ever feel like being harrowed then read through the cases of Alcock, Copoc and Wright v Chief Constable of South Yorkshire Police, the cases arising from nervous shock, caused by those whoes relatives were killed in the Hillsborough disaster.

On a shallower note, I’ve really slipped out of the circle of currentness of late. I only found out, for example, that Snow Patrol and Kaiser Chiefs have new albums today – a BILLION years after they came out. The Kaiser Chiefs album is ok, but I prefer the last one, having seen them perform most of it live. And Snow Patrol’s new album is really growing on me, much more calm and collected than the previous.

Oh, less I forget the largest development since my last post – I am now 18. I am now, by rights, an adult. I can vote, though there’s another issue entirely, and can do pretty much anything I so wish. Scary hey!? This time next year I shall be at university, totally(ish) independent. That both excites, and scares the living poo out of me!

Ok, so there was a brief update of sorts. Hopefully I can get back to writing over the next week, I have missed it massively of late.

I have no idea whatsoever.

“How are you?” Yes it’s a simple question, and I expect we all get asked it at least 5 times a day. My usual answer is either “I’m fine” (or “I’m well”) “thank you.” But today I was asked that very question and for some bizarre reason was unable to formulate a comprehensible answer.

“Hey! How are you?” Usually I answer without thinking about it or even sometimes, if I’m really preoccupied, without letting the person finish the question. But this morning not only did I listen to the question, I considered what it was actually asking. How am I?

Well, physically I’m well – I’m alive, suffering from sporadic bouts of (man) flu, but none the worse for it. Not particularly (or remotely) fit and not at all in shape, but that’s the norm. So yeh, I’m fine.

But then there’s the flip side. Mentally I’m exhausted. Not worn down, or under the weather, but exhausted. Ok, so now I sound melodramatic and I guess I probably am being, I’m in one of those ridiculously apathetic stupors that tend to tryannise adolescence, and then spill into later life. But at the moment I’m in a tunnel where there is no light at the end. Just random air vents allowing momentary glimmers of hope in an otherwise mono-directional batch process life.

By which I’m referring mainly to school (well it’s college but it still feels like school.) I’m two terms into my A-levels and don’t mind admitting that I’m finding it pretty hard going. My subject choices, although they are based on my interests, were perhaps too ambitious and in such respects even naïve. Quite how I expected to prosper I have no idea. Although, in some courses at least, the first terms are apparently the hardest so there’s an air vent.

And another factor of late is that (in case you missed it) it’s coming up to Christmas. Now usually I’d be the big kid and be mega excited usw. But this year I’m dreading it. Unfortunately my father is the personification of sordid and in the past couple of months has left my mother, and the family to swan off and do as he pleases. All very well and dandy, I can’t say we ever got on anyway. But unfortunately (perhaps unfortunately is the wrong word) my mum still loves him etc. So Christmas, a time for all the family, is gonna constitute of awkward silences and generic words of thanks. Lovely!

And I know that I’m lucky to have what I have, and I know that [Oh for fuck sake! - If i get another bastard e-mail from ipoints I'm going to kill something!] there are millions of people who are infinitely worse off than I am, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. And I’m sorry that I’m taking such a selfish, self-centered and bigoted view of the situation but I’m still looking for a light.

So I can’t really call this a post can I. (Was deliberating a ! or a ? for the end of that sentence, couldn’t decide so ended with a .) So I shall class this as a rant post. Not made for good reading, not particularly insightful and definately not uplifting!

Allow me to apologise (again) for the languishing nature of the past couple of posts. I shall keep trying to think happy thoughts!

Oh, and the picture (by the way) is just something I found online which doesn’t have particular relevance to any of the aforementioned but I thought it went well with the clueless theme. Being as I have no idea what to make of it!