What the bloody hell have I signed up for?

Ok wordpress, I’m back. Hi.

The person writing now is barely recognisable from the miserable sod who used to write on here. In fact, over the past few months I think I’ve changed massively, mainly for the good. In the period between this and the last post I was accepted to Newcastle University to study Law, I got the A-Level grades I needed, I had a summer with people who almost literally dragged me out of my shell, I learned how to cope with new people, and I learnt how to take things easy, and work without a plan.

It should come as no surprise, therefore, to learn that I am absolutely shitting myself.

The day after tomorrow, that is to say on Saturday 19th September 2009, I shall move out of the family home in a quiet(ish) town in Lincolnshire, make the 3 hour journey to Newcastle and move into my new room. I shall then show my parents and brothers around; I’ll show the family where I’ll be studying, where I’ll live etc, and then say goodbye to them. They’ll leave and then… [delete as applicable]

1. …  the world shall end. A huge hole shall open up and swallow me whole. I shall never be seen again.
2. … I shall stay in my room for the next week, then venture out into the open, only to be eaten by wild dogs.
3. … I shall forget where my room is and end up wandering the city streets at night. I shall then be kidnapped and brutally murdered.
4. … I shall sit down on my bed, realise what the hell has just happened, panic, probably cry, then throw myself head first into a totally new life. A life in a new city, with new people, new challenges, new goals, new risks, new places, new faces. Newcastle. Ok, I got carried away.

My point is, I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what to expect. I mean, this isn’t like going away for a weekend. I’m taking enough things with me to LIVE somewhere else. I’ll be responsible for my own life, my money, my food, my routine, my social life, my academic life. Now, is it just me or is that one massive step? I’ll go from living in my parents’ house with my family, with 2 meals a day (I don’t eat breakfast,) bills paid, cupboards full, warmth and water in abundance and a cat to a room, in a halls of residence, in a student village, in a big city, somewhere up North.

Even as I write this, the enormity of it all is kind of sitting on my head laughing, but refusing to sink in. Yes I know how massive the step is, but I simply can’t comprehend it. Which is why, when my parents say goodbye and I’m left sitting on the bed, I’m pretty sure I’ll be hit square in the face with a catastrophic wall of realisation.

I don’t feel ready for university. Yes I was ready to leave college, yes Law is what I want to study, and yes I can’t wait for the social experience of university life. But HELLO, this is me! I’m nowhere near mature enough for this kind of step, I’m certainly nowhere near organised enough for it. And so, as so often, it seems that a leap into the unknown is the order of the day.

I’m very sorry for not making a point in this. I’m very confused. My emotions seem to swing from petrified to excited to apprehensive to elated and back at least twice a minute. I’ve always known this time would come, but I could hold a gun to your head and tell you that I was going to shoot you, I could promise you  was going to shoot you, I could count down, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, yet you still wouldn’t believe it until it was too late. I knew the time would come when I moved out, I’ve hoped that I’d go to uni for years. Yet now, I can’t seem to convince myself. I haven’t packed yet. Yes, I have almost everything I need, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to pack it all yet. Oh no, that would make it all too real!

:s

What am I doing?

I hope I can swim!

Milestone

It’s funny, but sometimes all we need in order to succeed is somebody to tell us that we’re going to fail.

Now, I don’t proclaim to be an expert in reverse psychology, nor do I hold out to have any sort of knowledge of the intricacies of the human thought process but I do know that, as a rule of thumb, if somebody tells me that I’m going to fail at something then I’ll do my damn hardest to prove them wrong.

I was recently told by an old school teacher that I would never make it as a barrister; I’m not dedicated enough, I lack the shrewdness and astuteness required to be anything more than a legal executive and said teacher said it was questionable whether or not I had the academic capability to do so. I was also advised by one of my teachers not to apply for a particular course at university as “it would be a waste of an application – the chances of being accepted don’t justify using up one of only 5 choices.”

Now accredit it to what you will; an inherent disregard for authority, an abnormal susceptibility to reverse psychology or blatant arrogance, I refuse to change my entire focus on one person’s say so. If said person is an expert then yes it gives food for thought, equally if the advice is from somebody I respect such as the latterly aforementioned teacher. However, if this contrary view comes fired from somebody on the cuff or is given with seemingly little contemplation then often it has the opposite effect on me. Take, for example, the former teacher. At the time they taught me I was 11 – a rowdy, boisterous year six with ideas above his station and an ego which could barely be contained. Many things change over the years; I’m now a year 13. I bumped into said teacher quite randomly in the town centre, she asked what I was studying and, as most people do, honed in on law. Now, on the whole people have huge misconceptions about those studying law. It may be surprising to learn but as I’ve had less than 12 months of legal teaching I’m actually not qualified to give legal advice, nor am I in a position to debate the confines to which we should limit current legislation. I can’t get your ‘mate’ off a traffic offence charge and I certainly shouldn’t be the one to read over a draft lease agreement! Yet alas said teacher had the pre-conceptions.

“You’re studying law? (At this point the abnormally large eyebrows have gained considerable altitude) Not going to be a lawyer are you?”

“Actually I’m considering becoming a barrister, although I’m not sure what area of law I’d like to specialise in.”

“Hm, I don’t know. I can’t see you in court. Not on the right side of the dock anyway! [laughs]” (said laugh was the sort of laugh where the defendant clearly meant what she had just said but was attempting to disguise her evident despise with a cover of severely unconvincing cachinnation.)

“Well I’ve changed a lot since Morton (primary school.) I expect everybody has.” This statement was a lie – the chances of her being any less of a miserable child-preying bitch than in 2001 are absolutely nil, as was confirmed by her response.

“Indeed.” Now that’s a response and a half. Which she followed up with a frankly unneeded soliloquy in which she outline how she thought I’d be unsuitable for the bar as, from what she knew of me, I wasn’t quite astute or shrewd enough. She then told me (because obviously I had no idea) that the bar is a very competitive career choice to take and that statistically I wouldn’t succeed.

Now this point has always been resonated whenever the issue of the bar has arisen, usually I take note and becoming adequately conscious of the gravity of my dreams. However, for some reason in the situation I completely disregarded the comment.

So finally I reach my point. If we only heed advice from the people we trust and/or respect what happens if we become distant from those closest to us and embark upon a path on which those whom we trust know nothing about. Surely we leave our pool of light and walk an entirely darkened path? And what happens if we perceive those around us as not knowing the ‘real us’? I don’t believe that Miss Norbron knows the real me, therefore I disregarded her opinions out of spite – the spite was only born from the fact that she once knew me but now clearly doesn’t. So, if I were to change in myself so dramatically that I thought those around me didn’t know what I’d become , would I listen to what they had to say about me? Not listen as in the physical sense of the verb, but heed advice, acknowledge opinions and subsequently challenge my own. Surely this is how some people we brand as ‘extremists’ come to be?

Hypothetical situation:

Tom, 32 years old working in an accountancy firm. 9am-6pm Monday-Friday. £24,000 per annum with a £250 Christmas bonus if he’s lucky. Tom hates his boss, but everyone else at work seems to get along with him. As a result Tom doesn’t go out with workmates and likes to keep work and private life very separate. Tom has a close group of friends he’s known since university; 5 of them that go out most weekends and spend the odd weekday in etc. Here Tom’s in what I guess you could call the normal situation. So what happens next?

The accountancy firm Tom works for decides to increase productivity; thus increasing working hours. Tom now works 9am-7pm Monday-Friday and 10am-2pm Saturday. Because he works later he doesn’t see his friends in the evenings. He also doesn’t see them on Saturdays anymore. He works a 6 day week so on Sunday he’s knackered. Work’s getting him down and the last thing he wants to do is get pissed on Sunday to awake Monday with a hangover. Because he doesn’t spend as much time with his friends he feels distant from them. The longer he goes without going out, the harder it becomes to take the plunge. A month goes by and he hasn’t been out for 4 weeks. At this stage he feels detached from his friends, he doesn’t have anyone to go out and grab a coffee with, noone to go out and have a walk and a chat to.

An opening for a promotion comes up at work; Tom thinks he could do the job, he knows it would be hard but it’s something that he really sees himself doing. The promotion requires extra knowledge and lots of preparatory work, so he sets about learning the additional material and skills required. A month down the line Tom has been studying and reading up on the areas and has really progressed; he’s also got talking to a couple of the other candidates and has revived some form of social life. In the elapsed time he hears that one of his old friends has got married, he wasn’t surprised not to receive an invite but it did make him think a little.

A week before the first interview Tom is nervous; he enjoys the new area of accountancy but it’s a massive change from his usual comfort zone and he’d be throwing himself into the unknown with no guarantee of security. His boss has clocked on that Tom hates him; Tom had confided in one candidate who, it transpired, was a close friend of the boss. The boss wants Tom out, the other candidates are now hostile as everybody wants the job. Tom really needs advice, or someone to talk to. As fate would have it he bumps into one of his old friends, Mark, on his daily trip to Starbucks.

They exchange niceties and both take orders to drink in; Mark orders a Cappuccino as he always has, Tom orders a Latté (a drink which he’d first tried after a recommendation form a candidate at work.) Things start to go wrong from here.

Mark: Latté? Since when have you ever liked Latté?

Tom: Since, well, ever.

Mark: You were always a Macchiato man, double shot with cream.

Tom: That’s a long time ago.

Here Tom is beginning to become hostile, Mark has made an issue out of a change. As far as Tom is concerned, however, this is Tom. Not a changed Tom, but Tom. After some discussion of their mutual friend’s wedding (Mark: they tried to phone you every day for two weeks. We all did, just after you’d have got back from work we phoned – you never answered. I came over personally one Saturday but you weren’t there.) they then progress to the topic of Tom’s promotion. Mark doesn’t understand why on earth Tom would want to go into tax accountancy.

Mark: No offence mate but you’re not one for tax. You’re more of a property guy, that’s what you’re good at. You love your job, you’re dedicated to it – we all know that.

Tom: But tax accountancy would give me so much more scope career-wise. (Tom has been studying really hard for the past couple of months and is really excited by the prospect.)

Mark: yeh but you shouldn’t take the job. There will be more, this one’s not for you mate.

After an “oh, so sorry, I have to go” get out Tom is alone again.

What would Mark know? He doesn’t know Tom anymore, he doesn’t understand what makes him tick what drives him, he doesn’t even know his coffee order! Mark doesn’t understand taxation and certainly doesn’t understand the firm. Tom won’t listen to him and heed his advice. Source of advice number 1 = ignored.

The other candidates want Tom to drop out. But of course they would, he’s the competition. They don’t actually care about him do they? Source number 2 = ignored.

The boss hates Tom as much as Tom hates him. He says he should quit the firm and drop out of accountancy all together. Source number 3 = ignored.

So how does this relate to me? Well, Tom has 3 people telling him that he shouldn’t go for it. Yet none of these people are of significance to really stop him. He may be about to make a huge mistake, and there is noone close enough to him to really understand his situation. A close friend would understand exactly what it meant to him, appreciate the sacrifices he had made and share, or at least have a inkling into Tom’s vision. Tom doesn’t have anyone like that. Perhaps this is how extremists come to be; perhaps they become fascinated with a political or ethical ideal to such an extent that it becomes a part of them. When others do not understand the ideal then it appears that they do not understand the individual. Said subject then becomes detached from those closet to him/her. Here the safety blanket is burned. The only guidance which will be heeded is that of the conscience – yet if this has been replaced by a dependency or fanaticism then people can be ‘controlled’ by third parties; literature, protagonists; dictators. How do we know when our safety blanket is burning?

I guess it’s hard to tell; we all go through social changes and upheavals. Friendships change, disappear, reignite and sometimes stagnate. But so long as we have at least one constant, one reference point so-to-speak I guess we can all cling on to the ledge of normality. Without a ‘rock’ (apologies for the clichée) we cannot set a bearing for a new path. We need a point to start at, a point which we know is fixed and shall be there should we decide to return, or flee back to. We are all dependent upon our friends, yet perhaps we may not realise to what degree until it is too late.

I hope Tom finds happiness,

and that Miss Norbron needs a barrister in ten years time.

Storm

Well, that wasn’t actually that bad!

So this morning I had general studies 2. The science part was about the freezing of ice cream, now I don’t know who wrote the paper but I would like to thank them. It was actually marginally interesting, though it did remind me of my GCSE Chemistry lessons, lots. But it wasn’t particularly hard (I thought – which inevitably means that I’ve failed) and the maths section was pretty much a copy pasta of a higher GCSE maths paper, so thankfully all was good.

Then, after lots of last-minute cramming, we had Law Unit 3. Now again, I don’t know the person who wrote the paper (although I know he’s called Richard, thanks to my law teacher) but again I would, to a degree, like to thank them. I was expecting the mother of all horrible questions on breach and a possible s47/s20 case. However, thankfully we had a s20 (possibly even s18) problem question which two questions. A) Describe mens rea, actus reus and strict liability (15 Marks) Which I think I did well on. and b) Discuss D’s criminal liability (10 marks.) Essentially it was a s20 gbh with possible mitigation in regards to recognition of risk. Bang him up, throw away the key and let me go home! =D And then the tort question was some idiot who’d not secured fence posts in the back of his pick-up, they’d fallen out while he was driving and smashed through the window screen of the car behind, severely injuring the driver who just so happened to be a model and due to his injuries lost his job. A) describe duty breach and damage. (15 marks) B)Apply to situation in regards to negligence (10 marks.) C) Discuss awarded damages (10 marks.)

So, in all, I think it went quite well. And it certainly wasn’t as bad as I’d bargained for. So guess that I shouldn’t have worried so much, ah well.

That’s really all I have to say for now, sorry.

The calm before

Sunday 13th January. General studies and law exams are tomorrow. My nerves are shattered, my revision is obviously inadequate, and my panic levels high. Ah, thank god for exams. No, no lets not thank anyone for them.

Ok, so we all know that I worry, a lot, about things that shouldn’t need worrying about but this is something that should be worried about. Alas, I’m in overdrive.

Please don’t continue reading if you’re looking for literary sustenance, because this is just a panic post. I feel as if there’s something I’ve missed out that is going to bite me on the backside come tomorrow. I had this feeling earlier this afternoon, I then discovered that I’d neglected to revise Strict Liability Offences – a phone call to my law teacher later and things were okay. So I now I’m extremely worried. I’m also slightly stressed as a result. Today’s been pretty rubbish actually. Although our Tegan and Sara tickets came! =D

So I now have a lovely pile of postcards to my left (blue for crime, green for tort, pink for remedies and yellow for sanctions) which remind me that I am incapable of condensing notes. There are nearly 100 of them. However, I think I’ve just about memorised them. And if not, well, at least writing them kept me off the streets, lol. There it is again! Perhaps I should try to cut out “lol”s from my posts?

9am Monday 14th January 2008 – General Studies 2. Well, as far as I’m aware there’s not a lot you can do in the way of revision for general studies. You either know it, or you’re a daily mail reader. However, I’m quite expecting to fail so I doubt I’ll be disappointed on that front. Besides, I’ll be too busy worrying because;

1pm Monday 14th January 2008 – Law Unit 3. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I won’t deny that I enjoy law, because I really do. But when it comes to cramming 100 cases with points of law, explanation and application of actus reus, mens rea, causation, strict liability and criminal omissions, application of mute situations, application, quotation and explanation of common and statutory laws, explanation and application of duty of care, breach of duty and remoteness of damage, assessment of liability resulting in damages and possible sanctions and sentences of defendants into 1 hours worth of words even the most concise and speedy writers struggle, so I have no chance! As you can see, I don’t do concise writing!

So it’s quite feasible that this time next year I’ll be re-sitting Law unit 3. Great! Well, I shall now go and prepare for tomorrow. I’ve already pressed my trousers, ironed my shirt and selected a suitable tie, chosen my socks, refilled my fountain pen and even decided upon which cologne to wear. But needless to say there are aspects of tomorrow morning which I have not yet considered and the chances of getting to sleep without having planned for them are inevitably nil.

Very sorry about the nature of this post. I had hoped to write something with meaning but I’m rather worried. It seems that my resolution to worry less was extremely short-lived. It’s like it’s pre-built in me. Oh well, we are who we are. Christ that sounds pretentious.

I shall write again tomorrow following the exams.

Procrastination does not make a good friend.

Well, firstly allow me to apologise for the 2 days in between this and the previous post. Now, I could say that I’ve been mightily busy or over-worked etc. Whereas, the truth is that I hadn’t a clue what I was going to write in my next post so I put it off. Convincing myself that this would just be a week-nights weblog and that nobody would read it regardless of when I wrote the next entry. To a certain extent I was right.

Procrastination: the deferment or avoidance of an action or task to a later time and is often linked to perfectionism.
(I must state at this point that procrastination in my case is more due to laziness than perfectionism! And also that finding relevant images for procrastination is near impossible.)

There are times in our lives when the inevitable and the desirable are worlds apart. Times when we would give anything to be somewhere else, doing something different. And occasionally during these times we manage to get our own way. We fake illness, we run away, or (more commonly) we simply put off the undesirable until later.

This, unfortunately, is common in my life. I tend to lack motivation for anything that does not enthrall me or benefit me directly and instantly. I am, in this respect, very much like a chinchilla. I lack foresight and have excess cheek space. I find it hard to sit down and do something, for example, if the deadline is weeks, or even days, away. With college work I guess that some putting-off is inevitable and normal. But In my case the things I do instead of work are frankly pathetic.

History essay on the topic of “The Role Of The Girondins In The French Revolution” vs. Gears Of War on Xbox 360. Now, if I were a committed student there would be no choice, but alas I am not. Not only am I lacking motivation, but my choice of replacement activity has absolutely no utility whatsoever! So is there a difference between putting-off work do do something worthwhile (by which I am not referring to Xbox) and putting off work for the simple reason of not wanting to do work?

Yes. Procrastination for procrastination’s sake (or for the sake of anything less worthwhile than the original task) is laziness. Putting off a history assignment to save the lives of orphans in a developing country, for example, is less procrastinating, and more prioritising for the greater good. So I have now found my excuse to put off doing things I don’t want (or am simply too idle) to do. I’m doing something for the greater good.

Unfortunately this is the heart of my problem. Instead of cracking on with the task in hand I spend more thinking up excuses and justifying it to myself. It wasn’t uncommon for me in my earlier years of high school to not do a piece of homework, but then spend hours that evening thinking of a waterproof excuse to give the teacher for not having done it. Estimated time doing work would take – 30 minutes. Time taken thinking about work having not done it – 2 hours. And even though the numbers didn’t add up eventually this became routine. I’m now so practiced at convincing myself that things can wait that I, at times, find it impossible to motivate myself.

And would you look at that, I’ve entered a loop! The more I procrastinate the more it becomes acceptable. The more acceptable it becomes the more I procrastinate! So how do I break the loop? That’s not a rhetorical question, I genuinely don’t know.

Having read all of that through I’ve realised that I haven’t really made a point, and I haven’t even made it interesting. I guess for me the fact that I actually wrote anything is significant. I tend to set up this sort of account, write one post then leave it alone for…well, forever.

So I’m sorry this is a crap post. I shall endeavor to have some interesting thoughts tomorrow. And I shall try to write every evening this week! Possibly with the exception of Thursday which will be the last day of school. (ok, that was added on Thursday evening – really not in a writing frame of mind. Sorry!)

Sorry again!