(Un)muted frustration

    It’s been a while since I last blogged. And I guess I should, or rather could, start by explaining why.

    I’ve been hit, square in the face, by a brick wall of complete and utter apathy. Of late I am, quite possibly, the single most boring person, emotionally speaking, on the face of the planet. At the moment I can’t help but feeling, well, grey.

I have no idea what to say. I don’t have any particularly momentous thoughts at the moment, no emotions are tugging heartstrings, nothing is peeving me off to the extent that I feel I have to denounce it openly in writing. In fact, if anything less was happening in my head then I’m pretty sure I could be classed as brain-dead. The emotions I do stumble across in my penumbrally wandering state are often mere pebbles at the roadside. Whereas usually I’d encounter great potholes and hurdles across my path.

    So, taking an objective view of all of this. Essentially, I seem to be more apathetic and more detached. Well, that’s great? Surely that means that I don’t have reason to complain or grumble, criticise or attempt to make sense of anything. Maybe, just for once, I can shut the fuck up. Well, no. Because I’m trapped in a cloud of grey and I’m used to the LSD-like colours and surroundings of an almost psychotic and mesmeric parallel world. So, sorry, but grey is boring my pissing socks off! And not only that, grey has meaning to me. Usually this greyness is the sign of things to come, or things passed. But now this is my past, present and future. I’m drowning, and the longer this goes on the deeper the water gets. I can feel myself sinking away from the reality that was previously so damn perfect. And so now I feel myself feeling bitter, cheated. And I enjoy that because it’s emotion! Sod what type of emotion it is, I’m feeling it so i’m enjoying it. But now I’ve revelled in it the bitterness has gone and I’m back in the penumbral cloud of grey. I’m using grey a lot. I don’t dislike the colour grey itself. I just chose it to describe this state. I’d say it was beige? But I quite like beige too. Black? Love black. Pink? too happy. See, not only am I apathetic but I’m indecisive and plain stupid too.

I can’t imagine how utterly fucked up this will sound to read. And to be fair, I don’t care. Well, it’s not that I don’t care, I just, don’t understand? ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

FKJLASDJLLGJASHAH!!

I HATE THIS

ABSOLUTELY EVERY FUCKING MOMENT OF IT

I CAN’T DO IT

    And, I don’t expect anyone to understand because I don’t even understand it. I just feel like I’m no longer living my life, but watching it being lived. I feel like a spectator of myself. I’m frustrated, angry, upset, confused, bewildered and bitter. And I hate it, but none of these emotions are half of what I’m used to. And I know I sound melodramatic, attention-seeking and pretty much outright mental but I just need to feel something.

    To those of you who know me, I’m sorry if this makes you feel awkward around me but I just had to get it off my chest. To the two, who know who they are, I love you both very much and always will do. And I’m sorry if of late I’m detached, moody and downright bastard-like. And to those of you who don’t know me. Well, consider yourselves lucky I guess.

    I probably shouldn’t have written this. And will no doubt delete it at a later date. But for the moment it will stay. As, it seems, will my cloud. However, I do have a sliver lining. And I’ve mentioned them previously. Thank you. I’m sorry.

P.S – I’m also extremely sorry for my language in this post. It’s not big, and it’s not clever – but it does serve as some elementary form of primitive release.

Abashed, Banal, Bromidic

” We’ve all done it at some point. Sitting at the back of the classroom, our attention span fully exhausted and our will to live somewhat sapping. All of a sudden the paper clip in front of you seems awfully interesting. Now, I don’t proclaim to be an expert on the uses of paper clips but I do know that unraveling the seemingly perfect form is a fantastic way to waste 30 seconds of otherwise unproductive time. Unfortunately I feel as though I have become that paper clip. And I’m sure you also know that re-forming an unraveled paper clip is impossible. I’m hoping I’ve not reached that situation.

So I guess I should explain my feelings and the reasons for them. I’m extremely sorry but I’m going to have to use the C word. Change. Yep, I expect this word is getting quite cocky with its dominant position in my tag cloud but it really is one of the major driving forces in my life en ce moment. The dynamics of my life have shifted and I’m now in a strange position – I’m adapting in a way which I feel like I can control. “

Ok, that’s what I started with. Re-reading it it just sounds pretentious, nonsensical and plain crap. So I’ll try a more concise route to my point (if and when I ever decide upon one.)

Basically the changes in my life have stopped and I’m now in the situation where I can finally take stock and try to decide what path to take. My emotions and feelings have sort of toned themselves down and I now feel like I can enjoy what I have at the moment, in the moment. I’m pretty confident that I’ve judged the situations around me relatively well and I can see the ways things are heading. There are bits I’m not going to enjoy but equally things on the whole are looking up.

I seem to have lost all inspiration with regards to this blog and I genuinely don’t know what to write here anymore. You can see that my last post was a week ago so obviously procrastination is starting to have its wicked way with me. I think, as a result, that a change in direction is in order. My next post may well be something very different to my usual ramblings on about various thoughts, alternatively it could just never appear.

Recently I’ve been writing a piece about a boy in secondary school, I may even type a little bit up for a change. Though I’d risk boring those of you who ever read this to death.

Sorry this has been genuinely crap. I’m sorry that you’ll inevitably feel that some of your time has been wasted. It you really want to make up for it and do something productive try bending a paper clip into a straight line!

Wow, that sure was an horrific ending.

Hm, Sorry.