Pothole

Around two hours ago I arrived home from college to a letter. The letter, from Oxford university, told me that my application to read the LLB law degree had failed, and was no longer under consideration by any of their colleges. This was the second such letter I had received in the space of a week. In many ways this spells the end of an ‘era’ yet in many ways I think it may have been exactly what I needed.

I applied to UCL and Oxford, as an early applicant, back in October. Both were ambitious applications; both for courses with less than 30 places and both to incredibly prestigious universities. I applied, because I knew that I would always regret not doing. And now, even though slightly crestfallen, I don’t regret either at all.

I had almost become complacent that all applicants were offered interviews and that, because I have a ridiculous invincibility complex at times, I would be no exception.

I am.

The context of the situation makes the blow slightly harder; many of those closest to me have already received offers from their first, second and third university choices. As far as I’m aware I’m the only person in my year to have received a rejection so far, and I’m currently on two.

When I received the first rejection I was upset, I’d pinned my hopes on university and here was the first indication that my “master plan” might not fall out exactly as I’d envisaged. I felt an irrational anger toward those with offers, to those who had heard nothing as yet, must mostly at myself. Yet after a very contemplative weekend I had managed to convince myself that UCL wasn’t the place for me anyway, and that I’d be much better suited to Oxford. In hindsight that was probably a mistake.

Yet there was no surprise when I opened the letter awaiting me this evening, I even had a feeling of resignation when opening it. Having read through it at least ten times I phoned my law teacher, who as always, was incredibly supportive and told me not to worry and get upset again. I then did the mature thing and logged on to facebook and updated my status to make sure everyone knew, then MSN. Suffice to say, by this point I had slumped into a deep pothole of self-pity.

Yet, as one friend put it, I’d become far too tunnel visioned. Yes I’d been rejected, but by top end universities. Regardless of other peoples’ offers:

“Thats like saying I got turned down by angelina joley and kelly brooke and Flint [another sicth former] shagged dawn french; how unfair is that!?” And then it hit me – It wasn’t the rejection that I was annoyed about, it was the dint in my pride.

It is so easy to become entirely surrounded by your own bubble that if and when it burts, it feels as if the whole world has turned upside down. In actual fact, you’re simply open to more possibilities. And it’s taken a lot for me to come to this realisation – the past two years have been nothing but working towards one ideal end goal. So much so that I have become tunnel-visioned and narrow-minded as a result. Yet strangely I now feel under less pressure, yet have more motivation. I know that what’s to come will be damn hard work, but I have to do it as me, not as somebody aiming to become something. I really do feel mightily stupid for having become so incredibly narrow. Well, I guess at least things will be different from now on.

Incidentally, should you ever feel crestfallen and incredibly self-pittious then might I suggest writing a blog about it and listening to Port Blue’s “The Albatross EP.” It reallydoes help to put things into perspective.

What today seems like the end of the world will tomorrow be a memory.

A fall?

I don’t particularly know how to describe my current feelings, namely because I don’t really understand them so could not possibly begin to give them wordly justice. A lot of things have happened since Monday and they’ve all left me feeling slightly confused, disorientated and very much out of the loop. So, as normal, I am drowning in my own apathy.

I was quite nervous about going back to college after Christmas. I knew there would be awkwardness with certain people, as indeed there has been, and I knew that previous routines would perhaps be broken. I also worried that the new people I have met would have forgotten me over the break and that the new friendships I had made would be nothing, and that my “new start” would simply be “return to start” – now that’s paranoia!

Thankfully I still have some enthusiasm (perhaps drive would be more appropriate) towards my studies, mainly because the thought of university is currently one which I cherish in every spare moment. Less than two years, I’d like to say it’s come quickly but it hasn’t.

I also feel at the moment that things (by which I mean life, the people around me, and just general…things) are moving on at a pace I can’t keep up with. And subsequently at times I can’t help but feeling slightly left behind. Not a wayside feeling, but more of a lagging-behind one. I’m possibly just over analysing everything at the moment.

I’m very sorry but I actually find this entry really hard to write, normally things just flow out. Which, to be fair, reflects how I’m feeling. I have to actually think about how I feel, which means that I don’t feel as at ease as normal because I’m hindered by some sort of apprehension or subliminal retardation.

I’m desperately trying to identify what it is that’s bugging me so much but I just can’t put my finger on it! ARGH! I just don’t feel particularly in control at the moment, and because of this I seem incapable of normal thought processes. What the hell is going on?

I hope next week will bring some sort of light to the situation, if not then I shall probably turn into an extremely miserable (by which I mean more miserable than normal) git.

Sorry about the shortness, general depressing nature and sheer stupidity of this post – I’m currently trying to run up a hill that seems to be getting steeper and I have no idea how much further I have to run.

A break from the

I had an urge to write something on here but have no idea what. Normally I like to have a rough idea of what I’m going to write so then I can plan a layout-of-sorts for whatever it is I’m trying to say. But for once I’m just writing – scary!

Well, actually it’s not. Normally I’d be all “argh, need to make it sound just right” but being as I have no point to put across it doesn’t really matter. I was talking to a friend about this blog a few days ago and I said that it was just random thoughts. And she made me see that really it’s not. It’s filtered thoughts dressed in some sort of structure with (at times) some form of direction. So perhaps once in a while I should throw caution to the wind! That’s right, I’m trying some genuine spontaneity.

Yes, that sounds pathetic – my idea of spontaneous is not planning a piece of writing but I really am that much of a control freak! On Thursday I went to Doncaster for the first time ever, it’s only an hour away by car and the people I went with had been there millions of times before. But my god did I panic about it! I looked up all train times there and back for the entire day, and even for the early hours of the last morning, I checked buses incase the trains died, I made a list of people I knew in the area incase things went wrong. Essentially I had to have all eventualities covered, which is one of my biggest problems. I spend so much time worrying that sometimes I lose track and forget to enjoy the moment. However, things are looking up on that front.

I’m in quite a good mood and I’m really ready to change myself. I’ve decided that I’m to become more spontaneous (but not reckless) and I’m to worry less (don’t quite know how yet.) And I’m going to lose weight and take up spanish again. They (you know they, those people that know everything – maybe one day I’ll become part of they, but then how would I refer to everyone else?) say that a change is as good as a rest. Well, I’ve had a rest with the holidays and it was good, so a change should be equally pleasing.

Ok, I’m drifting into a form of structure so now in a desperate attempt to not be as conformist I’m going to change the subject totally!

I really really dislike F keys! I had this conversation recently too. I just hate them, you press them and they ruin your laptop! And they’re cocky too! They sit there all smug, high and mighty above the other keys, thinking that they’re something special. Well let me tell you something now F1 – a)You’re nothing but a type of car racing! b)If I want help, I’ll ask a real person!!! What does F stand for? (actually checking now) Function – F stands for function. But, my laptop has an FN key – a function key. Ok, I see what’s going on here.

How many F(number) keys are there? 12! How many disciples did jesus have? 12! The Fnumber keys are disciples – they’re not anything special – they don’t know it all and they often get things wrong. Sometimes (Judas) they do naughty things when pressed (F12 which destroys your web browser) yet sometimes they can be helpful in combination with other things (John the baptist and water – alt+F4.) And what the designer of this laptop has seen is that they could be so much better if only they had something to aspire to. The Jesus (FN) key. You see, when I press FN and an Fnumber key things happen which match the little pictures on the keys. FN+F6=lower brightness, FN+F7 = increased brightness. With a little bit of jesus the disciples are a lot more useful and easy to understand. I don’t really know what my point is, but I just thought that I could highlight the biblical parallels.

Ok, time for another shift I think. Oh, firstly let me point out that I don’t mean to be sacreligious, blasphemous or disrespectful (dis-sacrephemous if you will,) I merely try to pour my thoughts through my keyboard onto the screen. I aim not to bring about the fall of faiths or give birth to satanist cults, just to type. Please don’t hate me.

I think that my cat feels slightly neglected at the moment. She’s quite quiet and not as bouncy as normal. Recently the house has felt quite tense and I’m sure that she’s picked up on it. She now sleeps a lot of the day and rolls around on the landing at night. Occasionally she’ll knock on (by which I mean claw at) my bedroom door and then I’ll let her pop in for a chat (actually she just jumps into any drawers which I left open, curls into a ball and looks at me with the “you try and move me and I’ll knife you” face.) Whereas before she’d have just head-butted me for half an hour, got bored and gone outside to try and catch hope – the bat that lives in our garden. I’ve tried talking to her about all this, she’s not as responsive as she used to be. Perhaps it’s a time thing.

I don’t know whether or not I want to go back to college on Wednesday. I have a strange feeling that things are going to be awkward with certain people and to be honest I’d rather run away from it all and bask in the happiness which I have recently found. I, by the way, am going to see Tegan and Sara!!

I still have homework to do, I shall do it after my exams on Monday. Last minute as always, it hasn’t failed me for the past 6 years. Bad habit, must try to break it. But when I do homework well in advance there’s just so sense of achievement when you hand it in because you’ve forgotten all about it. Ah well, c’est la vie.

Oh, and I saw someone yesterday who I hadn’t seen for over a year and a half. He used to be the head teacher at my school. It was so strange seeing him again. I’d seen him in civves before of course, but this was different. I guess when he was at school he always had a very authoritarian, strict yet highly respectable aura about him. Yet yesterday he was just an ordinary bloke looking for a present for his wife in HMV. It kind of reminded me that things have moved on a lot recently, and things have changed.

CHANGE! Now that word has been cropping up a lot recently, but I think I’m coming to embrace it. I tend to live in the future, planning, or the past, analysing what could have been etc. But recently I find myself living slightly more for the moment. Not necessarily IN the moment (yet) and I think this change is a good thing. And it’s one (as I think I’ve already said) that I intend to keep up.

It rained today, it hasn’t rained since my pootle around town a week or two ago. Strangely when I saw it was raining my first thought was “oh, I don’t think anything about it.” Normally I’d think “oh, rain. Crap.” or “Oh, rain, I think I’ll go for a walk.” But today, nothing, total indifference. I did go for a walk in the end though. It was very cold, which I quite enjoyed.

Well, I guess I shall wrap this up. Wow, 1286 words of total nothingness. And normally now I’d think of a picture or photo to put with my entry. Well, I’m still going to do that because I like finding random pictures. I shall try something that is cheery and yet modern, sort of happy but ready to embrace the new so-to-speak. And pink! Because I rarely even ever think about pink.

Found it, and as ever I shall put it at the start of the entry. I wonder, did it feel strange reading me think about what to put up because you saw it before-hand. It’s kind of like you knew what I was thinking before I did. And I don’t quite feel at ease addressing people in the future like this, lol. I feel like I’m writing a will. Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever used lol in my blog yet. And now I’ve used it twice, fneh.

Anyhoo, I shall go and do something equally as unproductive now.

Bis Bald.

Change of path?

Ok, so to fill in the picture I’m currently revising for the first of my A level exams. A week today I have law and general studies, and it’s safe to say that the novelty of college has well and truly worn off. I’m currently on a, slightly deserved (it must be said,) break from re-revising sanctions and sentencing. I was so pleased when I finally managed to recite the 10 sections of the Criminal Justice Act 2003 that we have to memorise in order to justify our generic babbling on the topic of sentencing that I decided to give myself a break from writing. Strangely this seemed like something different to do.

Recently the imminent exams have been very much at the forefront of my mind. Revision has become the main staple of my routine and other things have taken a back seat. I say that as though it’s a bad thing, but for me it definitely isn’t. You see, when it comes (or rather came) to exams I’ve normally always taken the mindset of “I know what I need to know, and I’ll revise the rest later if I get time.” Now of course, procrastination takes its toll and eventually you reach the week before the exam and realise that you know pathetically little. Thankfully, however, GCSEs can be passed without masses of revision providing you listened during the lessons. However it seems that unless you read, re-read, summarise, revise and re-revise every aspect of the A level course you are doomed to failure. It’s a strange type of pressure which I think, or rather hope, I’m actually managing to deal with.

That’s right, I just raised a positive point! In contrast with my usual style of criticising everything and anything that’s wrong in the world recently I’ve really started to see the bright side! For example, I expected to be feeling pretty crap around this time and actually I’m pretty mediocre (in a good way) and things that used to really bug me are now starting to pass me by blissfully. Now I really feel as though I should write about something negative, sombre or thought-provoking right about now but to be quite honest I’d rather bask in the moment.

I don’t know quite what to pin my current state on, but that’s not going to stop me trying! Firstly I’ve been quite relieved recently, various stresses have dwindled and my lack of sleep has been greatly compensated for over the Christmas holidays. Secondly, I’m quite hopeful for the near future – thing’s seem to be looking up. And thirdly, and most importantly, the people around me (by which I mean emotionally [ie, friends] not physically) are by far the most amazing people I’ve ever countered and I really thrive in their presence. You know who you are, thank you!

So yeh, I guess this goes some way to prove that we all cycle in our emotions to a degree. Obviously some people less than others, and some people more. And also that sometimes you can find relative happiness in the strangest of places. I’d say I’m the type of person who needs pressure to perform to my best so really the current time is bringing the (academic) best in me, I expect the price I’ll pay for this will be social retardation or something of the like but that bridge can be crossed when I reach it.

Also, recently I’ve learnt that sometimes people are amazing. The one thing, I believe, I take for granted most of all is human contact. Strange though this will inevitably seem, conversation is actually one of the most important aspects of my life and of late I’ve had some damn good ones. Granted, some were in drunken states and some were in peculiar circumstance but I think I may have found the key to a certain degree of happiness – throwing away your inhibitions and, in cases, scruples, and diving into a conversation that you’d never have. Be it with a total stranger, like the lady at the bus stop who actually made my day, or be it something which you haven’t dared discuss. Find someone you truly trust and go for it. The sense of relief, coupled with a bizarre sense of achievement, is truly fantastic.

Now I really am being far too happy. And I expect that you’re most probably sick to the back teeth of it too. So I shall quit while I’m (somewhat) ahead and wrap things up. Besides, I have law revision to do!

So there you go – things change, people change and sometimes, just once in a while, it can be for the best!

Normal service shall resume shortly.

p.s – The photo has no relevance but it caught my eye so I put it up.

I have no idea whatsoever.

“How are you?” Yes it’s a simple question, and I expect we all get asked it at least 5 times a day. My usual answer is either “I’m fine” (or “I’m well”) “thank you.” But today I was asked that very question and for some bizarre reason was unable to formulate a comprehensible answer.

“Hey! How are you?” Usually I answer without thinking about it or even sometimes, if I’m really preoccupied, without letting the person finish the question. But this morning not only did I listen to the question, I considered what it was actually asking. How am I?

Well, physically I’m well – I’m alive, suffering from sporadic bouts of (man) flu, but none the worse for it. Not particularly (or remotely) fit and not at all in shape, but that’s the norm. So yeh, I’m fine.

But then there’s the flip side. Mentally I’m exhausted. Not worn down, or under the weather, but exhausted. Ok, so now I sound melodramatic and I guess I probably am being, I’m in one of those ridiculously apathetic stupors that tend to tryannise adolescence, and then spill into later life. But at the moment I’m in a tunnel where there is no light at the end. Just random air vents allowing momentary glimmers of hope in an otherwise mono-directional batch process life.

By which I’m referring mainly to school (well it’s college but it still feels like school.) I’m two terms into my A-levels and don’t mind admitting that I’m finding it pretty hard going. My subject choices, although they are based on my interests, were perhaps too ambitious and in such respects even naïve. Quite how I expected to prosper I have no idea. Although, in some courses at least, the first terms are apparently the hardest so there’s an air vent.

And another factor of late is that (in case you missed it) it’s coming up to Christmas. Now usually I’d be the big kid and be mega excited usw. But this year I’m dreading it. Unfortunately my father is the personification of sordid and in the past couple of months has left my mother, and the family to swan off and do as he pleases. All very well and dandy, I can’t say we ever got on anyway. But unfortunately (perhaps unfortunately is the wrong word) my mum still loves him etc. So Christmas, a time for all the family, is gonna constitute of awkward silences and generic words of thanks. Lovely!

And I know that I’m lucky to have what I have, and I know that [Oh for fuck sake! - If i get another bastard e-mail from ipoints I'm going to kill something!] there are millions of people who are infinitely worse off than I am, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. And I’m sorry that I’m taking such a selfish, self-centered and bigoted view of the situation but I’m still looking for a light.

So I can’t really call this a post can I. (Was deliberating a ! or a ? for the end of that sentence, couldn’t decide so ended with a .) So I shall class this as a rant post. Not made for good reading, not particularly insightful and definately not uplifting!

Allow me to apologise (again) for the languishing nature of the past couple of posts. I shall keep trying to think happy thoughts!

Oh, and the picture (by the way) is just something I found online which doesn’t have particular relevance to any of the aforementioned but I thought it went well with the clueless theme. Being as I have no idea what to make of it!