Merry? Christmas

Ok, it’s been over a week.

“So, why haven’t you posted for so long?”

Frankly, the momentum ground to a halt, the idea fountain dried up and the motivation fucked off somewhere sunny. It’s not been a very good week.

(At the risk of sounding slightly melodramatic.) My flu escalated into a life threatening super bug or something of the like (yeh, I HAD MAN FLU) and I consequently spent a lot of the past week in bed with a sore throat, high temperature and distinct lack of sympathy. It’s hard to be me, lol

Pretty much every activity regarding communication was put to one side. I, unintentionally, stopped talking to people online, stopped talking to people at home and wallowed in my misery. It seems that at (and in the majority of) times I can be rather pathetic with regards to my outlook. And man flu really doesn’t help.

So Christmas cards didn’t get written, neither did various letters. Revision wasn’t done to the planned degree, pre-Christmas tidying was forgotten, good will was postponed and festive cheer was shoved straight back up the backsides of any and all carol singers within a five mile radius.

I had (have?) become a scrooge, and I am deeply ashamed to admit it. This Christmas, for me, has seemed like the end product of years of downward spiraling at Christmas. I seem to have lost sight of the Christmas magic and cannot, for the life of me, enjoy it as much as I did when I was young.

Christmas used to be such a magical time. The month before-hand would effectively be a free month at school with nothing more grueling than sticking a Christmas tree to a card (which always annoys me – I have no artistic ability whatsoever) labeled “Hapy chrismas mumy and dadddy” (my spelling’s still dodgy) in scrawny handwriting (most probably the same handwriting I use today – it’s appalling!) And of course Christmas cards were still novelties at this point, writing them was fun and exhilarating (I perhaps exaggerate.) Christmas presents for your dearest friends were paid for by your parents and a present costing more than £5 was unheard of. Santa still existed and Mummy and Daddy sent off your letters to him yearly.

And then eventually the decline begins. Now the following could happen in any order but here’s how it went for me;

1. The evil epiphany – Santa does not exist. Now my personal reaction to this was both ridiculous and pathetic. I cried and told my parents they were lying. I proceeded to phone my grandparents who I established were also lying. Eventually the evidence became overwhelming, I accepted the truth. But for me it wasn’t just about Santa. The issue was that my parents, those who I should trust and love above all others (except god if you’re a bible-basher) had not only lied to me, but indoctrinated me into a false belief. If they had lied about Santa then what else had they lied to me about? Paranoia is a horrible thing.
2. Christmas loses its sparkle. There’s still magic (kind of) but Christmas just isn’t the same. Suddenly you noticed how stressed your parents are and eventually it wears off on you. At this point I also became quite angry. Angry with my parents for telling me the truth – because the fantasy was so much better. Angry with my parents for lying to me. Angry with my parents for lying to my younger brothers (both of whom were still believers.) Angry with my parents for not telling my younger brothers the truth (“If I had to know, why shouldn’t they?“) A five year age gap is insignificant in a ten-year-old’s mind. And even at times angry with my younger brothers for still finding Christmas magical. Now, surely you can see the beginnings of a very miserable bastard.
3. Christmas films/plays/carols start to bore you shitless. “It’s all a charade so what does it matter anyway?“
4. Christmas shortens. Now, this is a mixed blessing. Usually (I think) this comes around on entry to secondary school. Teachers, oddly enough, are no longer willing to give you December off and you don’t finish school until the 21st , if you’re lucky you may get a civvies day on the last. The flip side to the shortened coin is that you no longer have to endure the Christmas spirit for as long. However with so little break before the 25th it’s often far too easy to let Christmas pass you by without ever really reveling in it. The event you’ve been planning (or more importantly paying!) for since November has just passed and you didn’t particularly enjoy it. Bugger!
5. You stop planning and paying. This is the stage which I very nearly set foot onto this year. This year I left everything until the last minute. I bought essential presents for when they had to be bought and I wrapped them the night before they were to be given. (I wrapped all of my presents for the family at about 3am on Christmas morning!) No pre-meditation on how they were to be wrapped, no significance in the colour of ribbon, just cold, precise, effective wrapping.

And then it struck me – could it be that the thinking of such details is what gives us Christmas spirit? (along with adequate amounts of stress.) And is Christmas spirit (for adults) therefore simply relief? Relief, but in the context of a wintry gift-giving, song-singing, sherry-drinking festival. For children “Christmas spirit” is a mix between excitement and anticipation, but at any other time of the year we’d called that excitement and anticipation.

And there we have it – the essence of Christmas,

marketing!

I apologise for my scrooge-like ways. I shall endeavor to write again soon and attempt to redeem myself my writing something which portrays me in a relatively human light!

I have no idea whatsoever.

“How are you?” Yes it’s a simple question, and I expect we all get asked it at least 5 times a day. My usual answer is either “I’m fine” (or “I’m well”) “thank you.” But today I was asked that very question and for some bizarre reason was unable to formulate a comprehensible answer.

“Hey! How are you?” Usually I answer without thinking about it or even sometimes, if I’m really preoccupied, without letting the person finish the question. But this morning not only did I listen to the question, I considered what it was actually asking. How am I?

Well, physically I’m well – I’m alive, suffering from sporadic bouts of (man) flu, but none the worse for it. Not particularly (or remotely) fit and not at all in shape, but that’s the norm. So yeh, I’m fine.

But then there’s the flip side. Mentally I’m exhausted. Not worn down, or under the weather, but exhausted. Ok, so now I sound melodramatic and I guess I probably am being, I’m in one of those ridiculously apathetic stupors that tend to tryannise adolescence, and then spill into later life. But at the moment I’m in a tunnel where there is no light at the end. Just random air vents allowing momentary glimmers of hope in an otherwise mono-directional batch process life.

By which I’m referring mainly to school (well it’s college but it still feels like school.) I’m two terms into my A-levels and don’t mind admitting that I’m finding it pretty hard going. My subject choices, although they are based on my interests, were perhaps too ambitious and in such respects even naïve. Quite how I expected to prosper I have no idea. Although, in some courses at least, the first terms are apparently the hardest so there’s an air vent.

And another factor of late is that (in case you missed it) it’s coming up to Christmas. Now usually I’d be the big kid and be mega excited usw. But this year I’m dreading it. Unfortunately my father is the personification of sordid and in the past couple of months has left my mother, and the family to swan off and do as he pleases. All very well and dandy, I can’t say we ever got on anyway. But unfortunately (perhaps unfortunately is the wrong word) my mum still loves him etc. So Christmas, a time for all the family, is gonna constitute of awkward silences and generic words of thanks. Lovely!

And I know that I’m lucky to have what I have, and I know that [Oh for fuck sake! - If i get another bastard e-mail from ipoints I'm going to kill something!] there are millions of people who are infinitely worse off than I am, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. And I’m sorry that I’m taking such a selfish, self-centered and bigoted view of the situation but I’m still looking for a light.

So I can’t really call this a post can I. (Was deliberating a ! or a ? for the end of that sentence, couldn’t decide so ended with a .) So I shall class this as a rant post. Not made for good reading, not particularly insightful and definately not uplifting!

Allow me to apologise (again) for the languishing nature of the past couple of posts. I shall keep trying to think happy thoughts!

Oh, and the picture (by the way) is just something I found online which doesn’t have particular relevance to any of the aforementioned but I thought it went well with the clueless theme. Being as I have no idea what to make of it!