What the bloody hell have I signed up for?

Ok wordpress, I’m back. Hi.

The person writing now is barely recognisable from the miserable sod who used to write on here. In fact, over the past few months I think I’ve changed massively, mainly for the good. In the period between this and the last post I was accepted to Newcastle University to study Law, I got the A-Level grades I needed, I had a summer with people who almost literally dragged me out of my shell, I learned how to cope with new people, and I learnt how to take things easy, and work without a plan.

It should come as no surprise, therefore, to learn that I am absolutely shitting myself.

The day after tomorrow, that is to say on Saturday 19th September 2009, I shall move out of the family home in a quiet(ish) town in Lincolnshire, make the 3 hour journey to Newcastle and move into my new room. I shall then show my parents and brothers around; I’ll show the family where I’ll be studying, where I’ll live etc, and then say goodbye to them. They’ll leave and then… [delete as applicable]

1. …  the world shall end. A huge hole shall open up and swallow me whole. I shall never be seen again.
2. … I shall stay in my room for the next week, then venture out into the open, only to be eaten by wild dogs.
3. … I shall forget where my room is and end up wandering the city streets at night. I shall then be kidnapped and brutally murdered.
4. … I shall sit down on my bed, realise what the hell has just happened, panic, probably cry, then throw myself head first into a totally new life. A life in a new city, with new people, new challenges, new goals, new risks, new places, new faces. Newcastle. Ok, I got carried away.

My point is, I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what to expect. I mean, this isn’t like going away for a weekend. I’m taking enough things with me to LIVE somewhere else. I’ll be responsible for my own life, my money, my food, my routine, my social life, my academic life. Now, is it just me or is that one massive step? I’ll go from living in my parents’ house with my family, with 2 meals a day (I don’t eat breakfast,) bills paid, cupboards full, warmth and water in abundance and a cat to a room, in a halls of residence, in a student village, in a big city, somewhere up North.

Even as I write this, the enormity of it all is kind of sitting on my head laughing, but refusing to sink in. Yes I know how massive the step is, but I simply can’t comprehend it. Which is why, when my parents say goodbye and I’m left sitting on the bed, I’m pretty sure I’ll be hit square in the face with a catastrophic wall of realisation.

I don’t feel ready for university. Yes I was ready to leave college, yes Law is what I want to study, and yes I can’t wait for the social experience of university life. But HELLO, this is me! I’m nowhere near mature enough for this kind of step, I’m certainly nowhere near organised enough for it. And so, as so often, it seems that a leap into the unknown is the order of the day.

I’m very sorry for not making a point in this. I’m very confused. My emotions seem to swing from petrified to excited to apprehensive to elated and back at least twice a minute. I’ve always known this time would come, but I could hold a gun to your head and tell you that I was going to shoot you, I could promise you  was going to shoot you, I could count down, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, yet you still wouldn’t believe it until it was too late. I knew the time would come when I moved out, I’ve hoped that I’d go to uni for years. Yet now, I can’t seem to convince myself. I haven’t packed yet. Yes, I have almost everything I need, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to pack it all yet. Oh no, that would make it all too real!

:s

What am I doing?

I hope I can swim!