Pothole

Around two hours ago I arrived home from college to a letter. The letter, from Oxford university, told me that my application to read the LLB law degree had failed, and was no longer under consideration by any of their colleges. This was the second such letter I had received in the space of a week. In many ways this spells the end of an ‘era’ yet in many ways I think it may have been exactly what I needed.

I applied to UCL and Oxford, as an early applicant, back in October. Both were ambitious applications; both for courses with less than 30 places and both to incredibly prestigious universities. I applied, because I knew that I would always regret not doing. And now, even though slightly crestfallen, I don’t regret either at all.

I had almost become complacent that all applicants were offered interviews and that, because I have a ridiculous invincibility complex at times, I would be no exception.

I am.

The context of the situation makes the blow slightly harder; many of those closest to me have already received offers from their first, second and third university choices. As far as I’m aware I’m the only person in my year to have received a rejection so far, and I’m currently on two.

When I received the first rejection I was upset, I’d pinned my hopes on university and here was the first indication that my “master plan” might not fall out exactly as I’d envisaged. I felt an irrational anger toward those with offers, to those who had heard nothing as yet, must mostly at myself. Yet after a very contemplative weekend I had managed to convince myself that UCL wasn’t the place for me anyway, and that I’d be much better suited to Oxford. In hindsight that was probably a mistake.

Yet there was no surprise when I opened the letter awaiting me this evening, I even had a feeling of resignation when opening it. Having read through it at least ten times I phoned my law teacher, who as always, was incredibly supportive and told me not to worry and get upset again. I then did the mature thing and logged on to facebook and updated my status to make sure everyone knew, then MSN. Suffice to say, by this point I had slumped into a deep pothole of self-pity.

Yet, as one friend put it, I’d become far too tunnel visioned. Yes I’d been rejected, but by top end universities. Regardless of other peoples’ offers:

“Thats like saying I got turned down by angelina joley and kelly brooke and Flint [another sicth former] shagged dawn french; how unfair is that!?” And then it hit me – It wasn’t the rejection that I was annoyed about, it was the dint in my pride.

It is so easy to become entirely surrounded by your own bubble that if and when it burts, it feels as if the whole world has turned upside down. In actual fact, you’re simply open to more possibilities. And it’s taken a lot for me to come to this realisation – the past two years have been nothing but working towards one ideal end goal. So much so that I have become tunnel-visioned and narrow-minded as a result. Yet strangely I now feel under less pressure, yet have more motivation. I know that what’s to come will be damn hard work, but I have to do it as me, not as somebody aiming to become something. I really do feel mightily stupid for having become so incredibly narrow. Well, I guess at least things will be different from now on.

Incidentally, should you ever feel crestfallen and incredibly self-pittious then might I suggest writing a blog about it and listening to Port Blue’s “The Albatross EP.” It reallydoes help to put things into perspective.

What today seems like the end of the world will tomorrow be a memory.